Robbie Slater tweets the s*&t out of Craig Foster

Posted on 15 January, 2012 by admin

Robbie Slater pwnz Fox Sports

Let the commentator wars begin. Craig Foster published an article about Melbourne Victory’s new English coach in this morning’s Sun Herald, in which he complained that hiring poms is harking back to the bad-old-days. Instead, Craig Foster loves seeing himself as a continental man, to the extent that he has wet dreams about Barcelona’s tactical formations.

Being a good whinging pom, Robbie Slater took exception to this article in a series of 16 tweets over more than half an hour. He fought a Winston Churchill-like war of words in defense of the British, saying Foster had “disgraced himself” by writing a “racist column”. Perhaps the most brutal verbal kick to the head was when Robbie invoked the name of Australian football icon and legend Johnnie Warren, claiming he would be ‘ashamed’ of Craig Foster. And finally, the real and personal motive behind Slater’s attack became clear when he tweeted “bugger you you upset my 82 year old father who had a tear in his eye after reading your crap“.

It has to be said that after reading Foster’s original article, it doesn’t seem even the slightest bit racist to me. Perhaps I missed something, but I’m pretty sure Craig Foster was talking about tactical systems, not the character of the people.

Is insulting a nation’s football racist? It certainly cuts to the bone; there’s nothing worse than hearing an Italian boast about the 2006 world cup, or Iran about 1997 (thanks Robbie!).

I highly recommend you follow Robbie on Twitter and not follow Craig Foster.

Feetballs is back

Posted on 14 December, 2011 by admin

The silhouette trend is sweeping world football

You may (or more likely, may not) have noticed that Feetballs has been off the air for quite a while. I would normally blame myself. After all, I have been pre-occupied recently searching for the Higgs-Boson at CERN. But being Feetballs, I am going to have to blame you, the reader.

That is to say, the more you come to the site, the more stuff that will be published. Also, if you think you’re funnier than me (which means at all funny) feel free to submit an article to be published on the site. Just head over to the contact page and shoot me an email, if you can make me laugh and you want to write regularly, I will set you up a permanent account to post on Feetballs.

Until then, expect more useless posts from me and make sure you keep visiting and tell your friends!

North Korean women’s team caught doping

Posted on 18 July, 2011 by admin

North Korea pose for a team picture

The extremely Democratic, loyal People’s, somewhat Republic of Korea has pleaded innocent to allegations of doping, despite at least three positive drug tests. Apparently three of the squad who delighted fans in the recent Women’s World Cup have tested positive for drugs that rich Western countries stopped using decades ago. Doping expert Dr Albert Hoffman told a press conference that the positive tests show that the North Korean football association lags significantly behind Japan, Sweden and the USA who all tested negative throughout the cup due to their modern doping techniques.

A FIFA statement on the incident says “FIFA will not disclose the names of the three players whose test results have produced adverse analytical findings”. Despite the fact no names have been released, some commentators have suspected their star number 7 due to her loving nickname ‘Jong Pok-Schwarzenegger

Snood banned!

Posted on 21 June, 2011 by admin

Tevez suffers extreme neck pain

The frightening outbreak of neck injuries in England and across Europe has been cured by FIFA with the stroke of a pen. The players who catch the neck virus are required to wear neck braces to hold their vertebrae together, but now the trustworthy and incorruptible international football body FIFA will ban the medical-snood. They said in a press release that snood banning was their top priority, much more important than trivial matters such as goal-line technology or Qatar’s “winning” World Cup “bid”.

Leading viral-throatologist Joe Gerraf (who earlier told Feetballs that the disease is more common among those players with the biggest heads) has now published an article in respected medical journal Plague outlining the amazing cure FIFA has come up with. His research suggests that while the neck virus had perplexed many in the medical profession, FIFA was able to stop the plague in its tracks simply by creating a new law. He says “our hypothesis that the disease travels via how often a player turns up in the highlight reel has now been blown out of the water”.

Manchester City and Arsenal fans who were initially against the ban have now welcomed FIFA’s decision due to the fact they are likely to lose star snood-wearing players Tevez and Nasri respectively.

Chelsea reluctantly buy underpriced Torres

Posted on 1 February, 2011 by admin

Torres looked better in red

Chelsea boss Carlo Ancelloti has expressed anger and dismay at Chelsea’s signing of Fernando Torres from Liverpool. During a press conference in which Torres held up his new blue jersey, Ancelloti snickered and mumbled clearly indicating his anger with a purchase that was forced upon him. It has been reported by completely reliable sources that Ibrahimovic made the executive decision to buy the perpetually out-of-form striker due to his plans of an arranged marriage between Torres and his daughter.

Ancelloti called Feetballs.com direct to put his thoughts on the record: “I hate the stupid player, but my boss told me if I didn’t buy Torres I would be sacked and replaced with Roy Hodgson” although he philosophically added “at least he was cheap, £50m is spare change around here, Ibramo [sic] said my budget for the buy was not to exceed £640m”. When quizzed as to why he was so annoyed about the purchase of Liverpool’s star player and World Cup winner, Ancelloti sighed angrily before slamming the phone on our interviewer.

The mood at Liverpool has been extremely upbeat, with management today laughing all the way to the bank. King Kenny Dalglish tried to justify the sale to concerned fans by saying “Torres is Chelsea’s problem now, he’s just never been the same since he cut his hair short and lost the blonde goldi-locks”. Liverpool fans have amassed in large numbers throughout the city with pitchforks and fire to burn jerseys, effigies and other Torres paraphernalia in an old fashioned Scouse witch burning ceremony.

Bernd Stange named worst commentator ever

Posted on 28 January, 2011 by admin

The 'worst commentator ever' awards are held annually

The International Commentators Association (ICA) have awarded their weekly ‘worst commentator to ever live’ trophy to Bernd Stange for his mind numbing drivel during the Asian Cup. Bernd was happy to receive the acknowledgement of his hard work, saying to the press “it doesn’t come naturally, I have practiced being utterly annoying on my wife and kids for many years”.

Bernd won the award just ahead of closest rival Andy Grey, who almost snatched defeat from the jaws of victory with his sexist remarks about the Premier League’s female linesmanperson. Grey said on-air that women don’t understand the offside rule, which is a universally acknowledged fact, but one that any man in his right mind would never say aloud.

The ICA has said that their weekly award will now be discontinued, because Bernd “Strange” Stange has proved that no commentator in the future of existence could ever be as boring as him. His co-commentator made it clear that he loathed working with Bernd and cut him off at every opportunity he could. The Asian Cup will undoubtedly be remembered for Japan’s extra-time winner in the final and fans inability to stay awake through Bernd’s rambling drivel.

Iran top ‘Axis of Evil’ Group D

Posted on 12 January, 2011 by admin

Ayatollah khomeini played goalkeeper for the Iranian revolution

Iran has leapt to the lead of Group D, which has been dubbed the Group of Evil. The group consists of the three major threats to world security according to former US president and legendary statesman George Bush. Many had predicted that North Korea would dominate the group due to their excellent 2010 form which saw them play at the World Cup and shell a South Korean island. Iraq are the defending Asian Cup champions, but the glory days of 2007 for Iraq now look over, with US troops pulling out of the country and the football team consequently suffering. So it’s Iran that have shocked the world by defeating Iraq in their opening group match which cost 1 million lives.

Top secret documents recently leaked by wikileaks reveal that US analysts of football in Iran had already predicted such an outcome. The documents say that in a back-channel meeting between US Secretary of State Hilary Clinton and Iran’s national team captain Javad Nekanarm, Iran’s nuclear program was really a cover to breed super-human nuclear-powered Persian footballers. While there was no sign of radioactivity at their match with Iran, it is extremely likely that if they lose a match, the world will be destroyed.

Socceroos want to beat India by cricket score

Posted on 10 January, 2011 by admin

Australia have a history of scoring scores of goals

The Australian national team has vowed to beat India in tonight’s Asian Cup clash by at least 100 goals. Manager Holger Osieck said in a pre-match press conference that the goal difference might be crucial in winning the group ahead of Korea, “100 goals should be enough to help us progress through the group, but ideally, we would like 400 or more”.

Bookies odds seem to reflect the Socceroos’ intentions for the game pricing Australia at 2 : 1 to win with a handicap of 99.5. For the regular win, Australia is paying $1 for every $1 bet, which means if you bet $10 on the Socceroos to win, you will get your money back. Most punters are happy with those odds, with one high roller already backing them with $700m. India’s odds have now drifted from a starting price of 100 to 1, out to 64 million to 1.

Australian striker Scott McDonald, who is yet to score for the national team in 21 appearances, says he will be glad to get on the field against India because it should bring his overall average to a goal a game. Meanwhile, Australia’s talisman and World Cup hero Tim Cahill is staying cautiously confident, predicting Australia should win the match, but they will have to be at their best if they want to score a century against India.

Indian goalkeeper Sachin Tendulkar has been disappointed by AFC match officials who confirmed he wouldn’t be allowed to bring his cricket bat onto the field.

Outbreak Of Fractured Necks In European Football

Posted on 10 January, 2011 by admin

Tevez recovering from a serious neck wound

There has been a frightening outbreak of neck injuries in England and across Europe. The players who catch the neck virus are required to wear neck braces to hold their vertebrae together.

Leading viral-throatologist Joe Gerraf told Feetballs that the disease is more common among those players with the biggest of heads. “Cristiano Ronaldo for instance is highly susceptible to the outbreak due to the planetary size of his noggin” he said. While Ronaldo hasn’t caught the neck virus as known by the absence of a neck brace, medical experts are eagerly watching to see how long it takes before he catches the bug.

It its thought that the virus is seasonal and that the disturbing site of players with neck braces will fade with time.

Blue Samurai need more Honda

Posted on 9 January, 2011 by admin

The samurai used to play football with people's heads

National teams all over the world should take note of the Blue Samurai’s style. In my opinion, outside of Europe and South America, Japan has the strongest football style and culture. All players are heavily influenced by their national culture when learning the game, which is why we see such strong differences in style all around the world. We can see these distinctions everywhere, form the typical samba style played by Brazil to the defensive style of the Italians. The Blue Samurai’s style is Japanese through and through, which makes them an excellent prospect in years to come.

When I watch Japan play football, I can’t help but think of the similarity with Germany (who are the most successful European nation). They’re both manufacturing nations with strong work ethics, and it shows in the way they play. Extremely efficient like a well oiled machine. The cars these nations manufacture are symbolic of their football.

Germany builds Porsche, reliable, well designed, well built. but most importantly fast and flashy. Japan builds Toyota, reliable and well built, but that’s all. It is fitting that Japan’s best player, Keisuke Honda, is the son of Mr. Honda, car making billionaire. Honda’s are pretty much Toyota’s but faster and flashier. The Japanese national team needs to play less like Toyota and more like Honda.

Japan open their Asian Cup campaign against Jordan tonight so remember to admire their unique and developing style.

feetballs

own-goals, gaffs, nutmegs and dives. the beautiful game.